yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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