thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize