Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Is Oprah even human
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
