Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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