and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
