Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
