My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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