If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
where does the pee come out of this thing
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The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
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well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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