Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
