If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
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