You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
