3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
