Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
