I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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