I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
