I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
