You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
