i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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