Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
