just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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