the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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