my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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