I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
