If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
