I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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