so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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