if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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