Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
