I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why do cheetos always look like penises
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
