my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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