I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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