I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
