hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Randomize
