she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
