The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
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I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
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MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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