Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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