we made out on top of his cat.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
