so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
