Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
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just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
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I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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