I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
