The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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