Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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