just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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