So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
