she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
