if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
is that a dick in a sweater?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
