I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
