I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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