i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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