he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
is wine microwaveable?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
