Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
