he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
