HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
