It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
