last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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