you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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