Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
