It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
