I wish I could teleport
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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