the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
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