So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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