even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
