I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
