i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
