I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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